The power of no expectations
Here’s why you should ditch your high expectations and have NO expectations for people instead.
Short version, regardless of whatever expectations you have of people, you still can’t control them.
This isn’t the soft bigotry of low expectations, it’s letting them be in charge of their own lives, and not judging them.
Expectations are a way of attempting to control them.
To be clear, no expectations does NOT mean no boundaries.
Where you might have had expectations in the past, instead, have agreements, boundaries, and no expectations.
For the last four years or so, I’ve been acting in this way with all my relationships, and I’ve never been happier.
Let’s look at a couple examples: School
- High expectations: Students will behave appropriately all the time
- Agreements: Students agree to participate in school in regards to their behavior in a certain manner: i.e., students will be act in a safe, kind, and responsible manner at school.
- Boundaries: Students who do not follow those agreements will have consequences.
- No expectations: students will behave however they behave at any given time and we will deal with it at that time.
- Low expectations: “These kids” are too dumb to be able to do X, so we won’t even offer it.
Work
- High expectations: Employees will always be thinking about work and will act like owners in their decision-making
- Agreements: Employees will be paid money for accomplishing clearly defined work.
- Boundaries: Employees will leave certain parts of them at home, and will leave most of work at work.
- No expectations: Employees will behave however they behave at any given time and will deal with it at that time.
- Low expectations: Employees are going to be lazy and dishonest all the time, so we will surveil them and find out every time they’re breaking a rule so we can write them up.
Relationships
- High expectations: Person will surprise and delight me whether I tell them what I want or not. They’ll just know what I want.
- Agreements: We will surprise and delight each other as much as we can, and won’t expect it from the others. We’ll talk about what works and what doesn’t.
- Boundaries: We will keep our confidences and trust each other to not take advantage of us.
- No Expectations: Person will behave however they behave and any given time and we will deal with it at that time.
- Low Expectations: This person is probably going to stab me in the back at some point, so I better not get too close.
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