In 4th grade, I had a terrible teacher. His name was Mr. Sieber. Wait, let me start over. In 4th grade, I was a punk kid. Wait, let me start over. In 4th grade, there was lots of turmoil in my life and the life of my teacher, Mr. Sieber. I don’t know what turmoil he was facing, but I know that I was trying to figure out who I was. I didn’t know. And I didn’t have the confidence to know who I was and stick to it. 

Part way through the year, I don’t remember when, Mr. Sieber had enough of Jethro. So after I did something egregious to him, he grabbed me by the shirt, took me into the hall and slammed me into the wall. My complaints to parents, other teachers, and administration fell on deaf ears. We were in a new school and I know they had cameras in that area, but nothing seemed to come of it. Certainly not to me.  Naturally, my response was to scratch “Mr. Sieber is a Bitch” into the bathroom stall. 

There was however a different response. This response was from my grandmother. She was the only one who “saw” me. She said simply, “That must have been very difficult to go through, Jethro. I bet you were scared. Are you OK, now?” 

That didn’t fix my problems, I got in a lot of trouble the rest of that year, but that solidified my grandma as someone that I could rely on. She was someone who would care about me, even when it felt like nobody else could or would. 

She exemplified a specific skill that will help us resolve many problems before they even start. By taking this simple act of seeing me, she helped me feel like I wasn’t all alone and that I could find support. She saw me for who I was, a difficult young man who was too busy othering the people around me to care about how my actions impacted them. This caused a profound shift in me, at that tender age of just 10 years old. 

This trait of seeing others is sometimes described as empathy. And if affects us everywhere from schools to politics and everything in between. "An empathic approach to leadership benefits everyone. Students and educators gain from leadership that is caring and inclusive, and this will lead to increased achievement, however you define it." (Hoerr, 2022, p. 135)

Additionally, Nelson states "If empathy is 'the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another' (Merriam-Webster, 2017), then purple empathy is the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another’s political views, political experiences, political opinions, political understandings, political intentions, and political decisions." (Nelson, 2017, p. 63)

Also, "civil discourse, or the ability to communicate respectfully with diverse constituencies within the national and local community, is of paramount importance in enhancing democratic engagement on a broader scale" (Schiff & Burton, 2019), p. 88).

We need to see others when either party is engaging in uncivil discourse. Seeing others is especially important when we are on opposite sides of an argument. It’s fairly easy to see interlocutors as human beings first when we are discussing topics of little import or when we are engaged in different ideas that don’t really matter. However, it is even more important to see others when they are diametrically opposed to our view. In extreme situations, we can see those who take extremist views as humans first, and thus share vulnerability with them, understanding that they must have a reason to take that extremist view. 

In my own life, this example with Mr. Sieber and many other examples led me to an extremist view: Schools are not designed for students, they are designed for the adults that work in them. Now, this is not the typical extremist view that most people would say is extremist, but say that to a room full of K-12 educators and you’ll quickly see that it is certainly an extreme view. Those who engage with me and see that I have a reason behind those beliefs are well-equipped to have a better conversation around how we can improve the situation. 

I recommend two strategies to see the other person as a human first. 

First, we need to see them as people first, and their disagreements second. 

Second, we need to acknowledge that whatever their perspective, they are at least 10% right. 

Seeing them as people first. 

Seth Godin, world-renowned marketing expert and thought leader writes, “One of the most important words I know doesn’t have a simple English equivalent, which says a lot. Sawubona, a Zulu term, means, ‘I see you.’ Not just your face, of course, but your hopes, your dreams, where you came from and where you’re going.” (Godin, 2020). 

How do we see people fully? How do we see their hopes, dreams, past, and future? Shirzad Chamine is a preeminent thought leader in the field of emotional intelligence and leadership development. He is the author of the New York Times bestselling book "Positive Intelligence," which explores the concept of mental fitness and how it can be improved to achieve higher levels of success and happiness. Chamine's work is grounded in neuroscience, cognitive and positive psychology, and performance science. 

He has a background in neuroscience and has been a lecturer at Stanford University, where he offered courses on his Positive Intelligence model.

Chamine's contributions to the field extend beyond his book and include a range of tools and assessments designed to measure and improve mental fitness. His approach has been adopted by a variety of organizations, from Fortune 500 companies to educational institutions, as a way to improve leadership, team dynamics, and overall well-being.

One of those strategies that he uses is called the Sage Power of Empathize. He encourages us empathize with those that we would typically judge: “The Judge warns you that if you empathize with yourself or others’ avoidable hardships, you are encouraging more of the behavior that caused the hardship. You’d better punish rather than empathize, it says. A key fallacy of this argument is the belief that empathizing with pain means condoning the action that brought the pain about” (Chamine, 2012, pp. 84–85). In other words, we naturally fear that if we see the other person as a human first, we will further encourage them to act in such a way that would encourage their incorrect and distasteful beliefs and ideas. 

This is actually the opposite of what happens. When we see them as people we uncover something that we couldn’t see before and invite them into a space of shared understanding or, as Chamine calls it, invite them into their sage powers. He recommends we “visualize the other person as a child in her true essence before she started getting weighted down by Saboteurs. Visualize her eyes and facial expression, her manner of carrying herself, and what used to light her up as a child. Visualize her hold her puppy, snuggle with her mom, or chase a butterfly. Trust that the same essence is still inside her, underneath her Saboteurs” (Chamine, 2012, pp. 85–86). 

If you actually attempt to visualize the child of an adversary, you will inevitably ask yourself a few questions: 

Seeing others as humans first is essential. Seeing others as their childhood selves helps us in that process. 

They are At Least 10% Right

The next essential piece of really seeing someone is recognizing that they are at least 10% right. We choose 10% right because that is a small enough amount to be able find some grain of truth in any viewpoint, but not so large as to accept the entire viewpoint wholesale. 

In discussing a curriculum revision process, Schiff and Burton note "Another group of committee members felt strongly that explicitly embedding diversity within the curriculum was an absolute necessity to create a more inclusive campus" while others "felt strongly that students may become less willing to embrace diversity if they were 'required' or 'forced' to do so through a curriculum change" (Schiff & Burton, 2019, p. 95). These groups recognized that the other perspective could have some validity to it, even if they disagreed with the overall viewpoint.  

Overall, the authors promote inclusive processes that honor different standpoints. As they argue, "Alienating the individuals whose support is needed to implement curricular improvement is not the most effective means of solving wicked problems at the institution" (Schiff & Burton, 2019, p. 97). Acknowledging validity in others' views, even when disagreeing, can build goodwill and civility.

Truly, it doesn’t matter how far off from our own viewpoint others may be, what matters is truly that we see them and acknowledge where they may be right. There are some easy pitfalls that we can fall into. 

Hoerr notes the risk of "parochial empathy" and says "Empathy toward insiders—say, people on our teams or in our organizations—can limit our capacity to empathize with people outside our immediate circles" (Hoerr, 2022, p. 145).

Similarly, Nelson argues we must be aware of "echo chambers" and states "If our information about the election comes only from Facebook, then it is those with whom we are friends that are informing us. This places us in an echo chamber, a space where our political beliefs are reinforced by the reverberation received by those we agree with" (Nelson, 2017, p. 75).

It would be easy to be caught in an echo chamber and think that because people are within our own circle that we don’t need to see them because we know about them, but this can be especially difficult if we start to experience conflict or uncivility with those already in our inner circle. We still need to see them and see their perspective as 10% right as well. 

References

Chamine, S. (2012). Positive intelligence: Why only 20% of teams & individuals achieve their true potential and how you can achieve yours (1. ed). Greenleaf Book Group Press.

Godin, S. (2020, July 4). Are we part of us? Seth’s Blog. https://seths.blog/2020/07/are-you-part-of-us/

Hoerr, T. R. (2022). The principal as chief empathy officer: Creating a culture where everyone grows. ASCD.

Nelson, M. B. (2017). Blue Educator in a Red State: Creating Spaces of Purple Empathy through Civil Bipartisan Discourse. Journal of Cultural Research in Art Education, 34(1). https://doi.org/10.2458/jcrae.4884

Schiff, J., & Burton, C. (2019). “Wicked Problems” in General Education: The Challenges of Diversity, Civic Engagement, and Civil Discourse. The Journal of General Education, 68(1–2), 85–103. JSTOR. https://doi.org/10.5325/jgeneeduc.68.1-2.0085

In order to increase civility, we need to really see the people around and we need to acknowledge that even if we don't agree with them, they are at least 10% right.
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